A disgruntled Welsh teenager has claimed that food porn is shit for wanking after watching nearly eight hours of Tasty videos on Facebook.
Seventeen year old Josh Jones, whose parent have a safe search feature on the family computer, claims he was massively let down after watching, what his older brother described as, food porn.
“My house is like the middle fucking ages,” claimed an angry and frustrated Jones earlier today. “There’s no fucking porn to be had at all, it was fine until my brother moved out because I could use his laptop but since he left I haven’t been able to get a drop of it, I’ve had to use my imagination, which is shit.”
“I saw my brother posting something on Facebook with the hashtag ‘food porn’ so I thought ‘this should be good’ and had a look,” continued Jones. “I was expecting some whipped cream on tits, or girls eating bananas out of each others’ snatch but it was nothing like that, there wasn’t even a bit of side boob or anything it was about as far away from porn as Steve Aoki is from house music. It was shit.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I still gave it a shot, I thought it might get good if I got into it,” revealed the teenager, “but it was no use, there was nothing in any of the videos even remotely sexy, all it was was somebody cooking a load of different meals. It was absolutely no good for wanking, it did make me really hungry though and I’ve been a lot more adventurous in the kitchen ever since.”
“I need some porn in my life quickly. If I don’t get something soon I’m afraid I’m going to do the unthinkable and live up to the Welsh stereotype by shagging a sheep.”
According to reports, Mr Jones was temporarily satisfied after his newfound thirst for culinary knowledge brought him to a Nigella Lawson cookery show, which he was easily able to “knock two or three wanks out to”.