An English teenager has been left devastated after discovering that being a “full time mad bastard” isn’t a real job.
Peter Thornton, fourteen, has been left reappraising his options in life after a school careers counselor explained to him that a “full time mad bastard” was just something idiots put on their Facebook profiles and not a viable career option.
“What the fuck am I going to do with my life now?” asked the concerned fourteen year old. “I was sure I’d be a full time mad bastard, seen as I’m already a bit of a mad bastard, so I completely stopped paying attention in school and starting being a disruptive influence in class. I thought being a cheeky troublemaker would be the perfect training for becoming a full time mad bastard but it looks like I’ve been completely wasting my time.”
“I’ve got my GCSE’s coming up next year and, unless there’s questions on it about sneaking porn into the classroom, starting fires behind the bike shed or calling the teacher a cunt, I’m going to be completely unprepared,” continued the teenager. “At this rate, I’ll be lucky if I can get a job as a binman, a cleaner or a police officer.”
Careers guidance counselor Margaret Smith claims that an increasing number of British youngsters now believe that being a full time mad bastard is an actual job.
“I’m seeing it more and more every year,” explained Ms Smith. “Young people come in here without a care in the world and tell me they want to be a full time mad bastard when they leave school. Then, it’s down to me to dash their dreams and tell them that it’s not a job, it’s just something morons put on their Facebook profile, like being a full time mummy or being educated in the school of hard knocks.”
According to friends of the teenager, Thornton is still planning on becoming a full time mad bastard and will now depend on social welfare to support his chosen career, just like most of the other students in his year.