Following the news that its parent company SFX is going private, online music portal Beatport has been frantically promising its debtors that the company will “pay you next month, I swear”.
After being uncontactable for a few days after the weekend, during which time it’s believed the company turned its phone off, Beatport sent out a blanket text message to the labels it owes cash to explaining that it “was totally smashed bro and will fix you up next month”.
Smashed Kneecaps Records, one of the labels who is owed money from Beatport, was heard to say that “it’s a load of bollocks man” and that it was trying for days to contact the Beatport offices but believed that the website had “been ducking him for weeks” and that even though it didn’t want to, it’d get some bad dudes around to Beatport to “have a chat and sort it out”.
“It’s been weeks now, I have bills to pay as well, I don’t mean to be a prick like, Beatport’s been sound to me in the past but it’s getting beyond a joke now,” claimed a representative of another indebted label, Fuck You Pay Me. “If I don’t get the money next week Beatport’s never getting anything on slate off me again.”
A leaked copy of the six page WhatsApp message that Beatport has been sending to labels and acts was made available online after Beatport stopped hiding under a duvet, where it spent five hours perfecting its excuses, and clicked send.
“Hey man, sorry haven’t been getting back to you, I wasn’t avoiding you. I’ve just had a crazy couple of days where I lost my phone and my dog ate my wallet then died of AIDS in a puddle and my car broke down,” read the text. “Cause of that I had to get my car fixed, buy a new wallet and host a dog funeral which, as you know, are quite expensive what with all the Pedigree Chum, strippers and pet cocaine they have to have.”
“But anyway yeah about that few dollars, I’m really sorry to do this man but I won’t have it til next month, I’m waiting on another guy to pay me but as soon as he does then I can sort you out, I swear,” it continued. “I feel like a dickhead but honestly mate, there’s nothing I can do right now. I’ll try get a lend or something to sort you out if you’re badly stuck but if you can wait for a while that’d be sound and I promise it won’t happen again and I’ll fix you up with a really good deal next time.”
“I haven’t even been able to buy server space or increase bandwidth and I’m eating cold beans out of a tin with a spoon in the dark,” it added. “As soon as the money comes in I’ll sort you out, you’re top of my list.”
“Thanks for being understanding bro, shouldn’t be long,” it concluded. “I’m doing all I can for ya, just bear with me, don’t jump ship to Traxsource and I’ll sort it out.”